Communicate (kuh-myoo-ni-keyt)
I once heard a conference speaker declare to the crowd, “You were given two ears and one mouth for a reason. Use them in proportion.”
Most present in the crowd laughed, many nodded, and some even wrote it down. As funny as the statement was, it was very profound. In most relationships whether business or personal, when something starts to break down it is often a failure in communication that causes the rocky road.
While there are many descriptions of the word communicate on dictionary.com, they are all listed as a verb. Verb: typically expresses an action. That indicates that communication is an act of doing, participating in.
Sitting in a hotel room watching the guilty pleasure of Love it or List it and Property Brothers, it was apparent that the skill of listening is so vital in successful real estate relationships.
Show after show presented potential buyers and sellers having discussions with their agents – describing their needs, wants, don’t wants, and downright fears. Often, we could see frustrations rise as it was obvious that the communication was not effective. We know, much of the show is scripted.
Sometimes, it seemed that the agent just did not understand the clients’ requests. A comment such as “we really don’t like our fireplace”, was interpreted as “this couple doesn’t like this ugly fireplace, so I will show them homes with a different style of fireplace.” In this example, the couple didn’t like any fireplace since they had young children. They didn’t want one at all.
Another example was a mother of three busy and athletic-minded boys, along with a coach-husband, almost pleading for “more space” for her to be happy. So the agent went looking for a bigger and therefore presumably better house. After much searching, the family stayed in their home after a redesign that simply gave her more useful and private space to escape the madness that the sports-dominated household had created.
What did we learn from watching these shows with their frustrated buyers, sellers, agents and designers? That active listening and effective communication, as is so often the case, did not occur and the breakdown caused unnecessary frustration for all involved.
If only the professionals involved had used active listening techniques, things might have gone more smoothly.
With conversation like:
Clarifying statements such as “What I hear you saying is….” and then repeat back what the speaker said (or at least what you thought you heard was said). This ensures both sides understand the message. It gives the speaker the opportunity to either be assured you understood or the chance to express their thoughts differently so as to be understood as intended.
Then, a big question that seems to escape many – “Why do you want ….?” This leads to the root of the statement. Often people will not tell you the entire story and you need to know where they are coming from. Different cultures and life experiences create vastly different messages even using the same words.
And if you are still not clear, ask even more questions to ensure understanding.
But effective communication is not a one-way street. To communicate, you need to participate.
It is incumbent upon the speaker to ensure that there is clarity and honesty. It is not sufficient to assume that the professionals working with you get what you are trying to say. It is critical to be totally honest, even if the conversation gets uncomfortable. It means ensuring you find a way to be understood. While a topic may be crystal clear to the speaker, the listener could have been exposed to any number of ways to interpret the subject, based on their past meetings and experiences.
On these reality shows, we almost always find a happy face at the end. A lot goes on behind the scenes that we don’t get to see. But in real life these situations, emotions lend themselves well to becoming frustration, if not managed appropriately with good communication.
Assumptions hurt everyone. Some people are more comfortable with straightforward discussions than others.
I remember hearing a traveller who was clearly struggling with understanding say “I hear and understand all of the words you are using, I’m just not getting how you are putting them together.” Add professional lingo into the mix and things can get interesting fast. Our personalities and life experiences will always skew our communication.
Many times, rising temperatures can be lowered on all sides through open, honest communication and effective listening.